Why does a person constantly argue.

Over the course of my life I came to the conclusion that you shouldn't get in touch with such people and explain to them that you are right, even if you are 100% right. I don’t know how correct this is, but it’s easier for me to save my strength and energy, which I can direct to other matters, and not to arguments and experiences.

If a woman constantly argues, then with a probability of more than 90% we can say that she has serious problems. Women tend to throw out their negativity through emotions, conversations and correspondence. At the time of disputes, she forgets about her more global problems that bother her.

Why does a woman who constantly argues want to leave the last word for herself? She simply believes that if she said the last word, then she is right. Even if it is clearly shown to her that she is wrong, she will answer or write 10 times more than you, just to divert the conversation from an adequate dialogue into her crazy monologue. Her task is to bring you down to her level of bazaar conversation, where an adequate and cultured person has no chance of proving his innocence. "Bazaar" with such a "Baba" is useless. Leave the unfortunate person alone. Let him live in his own world.

If a man likes to argue, then most likely he is simply bored and he cannot fully realize himself in this life, but he would very much like to. So he is trying to argue with everyone. This is especially true for small bosses who imagine themselves to be cool leaders or moderators on some sites (no hints). In this case, you can still find a common language with such a man, simply by hinting at how smart he is. Any man loves it)

If a person constantly argues, then if this is a woman, it is better not even to get involved. If this is a man, then you need to first praise him, which will reduce his aggression, and then proceed to a constructive dialogue, not forgetting to nod your head where necessary.

To begin with, all people are different. And they behave differently in the proposed circumstances. This is why they are interesting.

If a person argues for the sake of a dispute, then this is a feature of his character, which, perhaps, is a manifestation of heightened pride, a desire to be understood, by all means, a heightened sense of justice, sometimes inability to control his emotions and stop in time. Therefore, it seems that this person definitely wants to leave the last word for himself, although he may not think about it. This is an undeniably emotional, restless person.
And arguing for the sake of a dispute, without having solid arguments and fundamental reasons, is not very productive, a waste of time and nerves.
Communicate with such a person should be based on facts and keeping cool and, most importantly, without losing one's own dignity, without trying to "bite" more painfully, be sure to convince, in short, calmly and balanced. Sometimes you need to be able to stop and understand whether it makes sense to continue the argument at all.

Sometimes a person defends his positions and principles to the last, standing up for justice, seeking justice, struggling with rigid judgments or formalism, sometimes even realizing the futility of his efforts. Nowadays, this can be a very rash business. And this is still better than being a “vegetable”, led by a person, following the lead of a stronger spirit or more talkative (eloquent) person.
It is always easier to be a "slave", he will be told what to do. And "keeping silent in a rag" is always safer. It is more difficult for a freedom-loving and principled person, especially when he defends his position with a person exposed by power (at any level), but that is why he is a person. And this person is not indifferent.

Remark: it is unauthorized to distinguish between disputants by gender. Both are enough. It is not yet known who is more - women or men.

Even as a child, each of us was able to experience and survive failure. Then such an alignment of the game seemed to us unfair, brought to tears, insulted to the depths of the soul and caused a storm of emotions. However, over time, the situation has changed, and most of us realized that winning a gambling game by 90% is a matter of chance, and in order to win various adult games, you need to properly prepare. In addition, if the outcome of the struggle is not in our favor, you can make such a situation useful for yourself or console yourself with the fact that a negative result is also a result.

Every person becomes an adult, but not everyone can part with their inner child, who never learned to lose. It really interferes with life. After all, an adult has to lose in something every day, and if each such situation ends with an explosion of emotions and unpleasant experiences, then life will become just hell. Therefore, sooner or later, a person who does not know how to lose will have to look for an answer to the question: what to do? How to change the situation and if you really do not learn to lose, then somehow mitigate the situation? After all, only a superman can win all the time, and even then in numerous Hollywood films.

Reasons for not knowing how to lose

Before answering the question of what to do if you don't know how to lose, let's figure out why this happened.

The first reason for this attitude towards failure is the pursuit of excellence. The game usually involves several people. Therefore, you cannot hide your own defeat. At the same time, the loser is most worried about the fact that in this way he will show others his inconsistency, incompetence. As a result, a person drives himself into a dead end, convincing himself that he is worse than others, and if this is so, then no one will communicate with the loser.

The reason for this attitude towards failure is rooted in childhood. Some parents want their children to be perfect and successful. How can this be achieved? Yes, just punish for failures, mistakes. The result of such upbringing is that an adult begins with all his might to try to satisfy the need driven into him to be the best and perfect, to achieve recognition, winning at all costs. For such people, winning the game helps in self-affirmation, and losing is evidence that you need to prove your own worth again.

The second reason is the desire to keep everything under control. The one who does not know how to play equates the game to reality, to a space in which it becomes possible to rebuild his life in a different way. In addition, each game has rules. This attracts those people who are afraid of the chaos of life.

If most of us consider the game to be completely safe, the result of which can be played, then those who do not know how to lose do not realize it. They equate failure in the game with a threat to life. For them, losing is the return of unpredictability, chaos, and generally dangerous. This happens to those who too early were forced to show independence, although they still needed the participation of adults.

How do you learn to lose?

Learning to lose requires regaining pleasure, changing the rules of the game, and growing up.

Play is fun, entertainment. Sometimes useful, sometimes not. To regain the pleasure of the game, you need to find out which games are most interesting to you, and play these particular games, feeling the joy of the process, and not of the result of the game. At first, as partners, you need to choose those people in whom you are completely confident, who do not care whether you win or lose. Their attitude towards you will not change anyway.

You can also try change the rules of your life... If you used to live by the rule: i get angry when i lose, - now you can enter the rule: it's just a game, so I take it easy... As a result, you become a winner even if you lose, because you were able to overcome yourself.

And in the end it's time to grow up... A truly adult person gets satisfaction from the fact that he feels himself to be the driving force behind his own life. For adults, the game is just fun. If this is not the case, then perhaps some kind of life conflicts are lurking in the game. Then you need to go to a psychotherapist, because suffering cannot be a game. You need to get rid of it.

5 chose

Yesterday was International Chess Day... In this game, as in any sport, psychology is very important. The most incredible victories and the most hurtful defeats often have psychological roots. Let's talk today about what the psychology of a winner is in sports and in everyday life. And about whether you can bring up a winner in yourself.

There is such an oriental wisdom: "The winners win before going to war, and the losers seek victory on the battlefield."Probably, in this case we are talking about strategy. But this wisdom can be applied to psychology as well. Often the winners are those who are confident in their victory even before the competition. And those who are pre-determined to lose are usually left without first places.

As an illustration, I will give an example from life. Let's introduce you to my dance partner. Let's call him Dima. This man surprised me at one time. We had just started dancing and were taking our first timid steps in competitions, although we could compete in grace only with old stumps. At one of the contests we met my friend, let's call him Oleg. Oleg danced for a long time and with high quality, and traditionally took the cup for first place from the competition. During a break, I extolled Oleg's dancing abilities and thus, it seems, greatly hurt my partner's pride. "You know, - he told me then, - he will never win against me again. "After this conversation, nothing seems to have changed. Dima did not train anymore and, it seems, has completely forgotten about him. At the next competition, I jokingly reminded of his words. "Yes? I completely forgot. So I have to win," he replied. And he won. What at first seemed like a ridiculous accident immediately turned into a system. Oleg really could never get around Dima again.

Later, I noticed this character trait in other situations. As soon as Dima's vanity was hurt, he did something amazing and seemed unreal. It became clear to me that he is a winner. He never looks for an excuse for why it did not work out, but looks for a way to achieve his goal.

These qualities are most evident in sports. But in everyday life they are very important. Winners get jobs by bypassing more experienced candidates, passing exams without even having perfect knowledge, always getting the attention of the person they need. If suddenly something does not go the way they want, they will always find another way to get their way. Such people do not even really celebrate victory, for them it is a common occurrence, only one of the steps on the way to new achievements.

But another type of people is much more common in the world. Let's call them "losers". They are not sure of themselves, more precisely, they are sure in advance that they do not deserve victory. Naturally, it is impossible to win with this attitude. Each new loss convinces a person that victory "does not shine" for him, there is nothing to try. They often complain about bad luck, aggressive external conditions, or their own imperfections.

Oddly enough, people choose such an unfortunate role for themselves. The psychology of the loser is a kind of defense mechanism by which they get away from problems, avoid difficulties, and relieve themselves of responsibility for their own lives. After all, if you are sure in advance of defeat, then there is no need to waste energy on the struggle. This behavior can come from childhood. For some children, victimization and the pressure of pity is a way to manipulate others. They portray helplessness to get out of unpleasant business. Such children grow up, but the strategy of behavior is not always changed.

Of course, pure winners, like eternal losers in the world, are quite rare. Each of us has traits of both. And often our successes or failures depend on which of these traits are more pronounced. So it is useful for all of us to develop the qualities of a winner.

• Do not dwell on failures, think first of all about successes - what you were able to achieve, what problems you solved. Write down your victories on a piece of paper and make it a rule to add to this list regularly. Often we take our own successes for granted, and therefore cannot remember them. But failures, on the contrary, are imprinted in memory for a long time.
• Don't diagnose yourself. "I'm always late! I never get anywhere!"and such categorical thoughts, repeated a hundred times, become our life orientation. Do we need such a setup? Of course not!
• Remove the word "try" from your vocabulary. Speaking "I will try to do this", you program yourself to fail beforehand.
• Do not give up. If something doesn't work, try another solution.
• Think of each local victory not as an end in itself, but as a step towards your next victories.

Have you ever faced strong winners and losers? Who do you consider yourself more?

The reasons that pull us to the bottom.

What does human life consist of? Work - home - work - home. Sometimes - a short trip, rarely - gatherings with friends. We are in a hurry to live, but in fact we do not live. We complain about the lack of money, time, energy, nerves, poor health and the lack of new opportunities. If a person is asked the question: why is he not getting better, most likely, in response we will hear about some mythical external circumstances that prevent him from building an ideal life.

Reimar Tirado, a successful American businessman, thinks differently. Despite his status and financial stability, the entrepreneur does not stop there, but tries every day to learn and try something new. Thinking about why people do not strive to become better, a businessman looks for reasons not outside, but inside a person. And they are as follows:

1. The person does not like to lose. Most likely, he is trying to avoid this, fearing to get out of his "comfort zone". In vain. After losing, we learn, try, gain invaluable experience, which means we develop. You need to learn to lose. This will help us to explore ourselves in our quest to become better.

2. A person depends on the opinions of the people around him. He tries to be like everyone else, to adapt to them. He is afraid that if he becomes different, he will be condemned. But think differently: let people adjust to you.

3. Each person considers himself the smartest. Others are fools, I am an expert. Unfortunately, this opinion is wrong. After all, what matters is not what you know, but how you can apply this knowledge. One graduates from college - and all his life trying to make ends meet, the other, without a higher education, earns millions. Well, what's the point then with your knowledge, if you are not able to translate them.

4. The person reads little or does not read at all. It's better to watch something entertaining on TV than to dive into boring reading.

5. The person is not curious. He perceives all information as it is presented. We do not think that it could be otherwise. Perhaps something in the world is happening differently, you just need to look better.

Consciousness of his own dignity makes an intelligent person more modest, but at the same time more persistent.
F. Chesterfield
One who knows people is prudent. He who knows himself is enlightened. He who overcomes people is strong. He who overcomes himself is powerful.
Lao Tzu
Each person in a conversation takes one or another position. One often hears: “We are such different people. There is nothing to talk about!" How can this be explained from the standpoint of psychological science? One of the reasons for misunderstanding and conflicts in communication is the differences in the psychology of the interlocutors.
As a result of the research of Eric Berne, modern science distinguishes two psychologies - the psychology of a loser, a loser, and the psychology of a winner, who knows how to live in harmony with himself and other people. These are two different psychologies, and each of us can choose between a winner and a loser, and having made a choice, get the corresponding result. Awareness of states of consciousness through such simple concepts as Parent, Child and Adult, as well as the fact that life can be metaphorically represented as a change of various games and scenarios that we play in front of each other, makes it possible to extend psychological and psychotherapeutic knowledge to a wide range of people, able to provide psychological assistance to themselves and others. In our opinion, it is precisely because of this that transactional analysis has become a mandatory course in the training of American teachers. It has become their mission to educate the winners. And the winners are, first of all, people with a healthy psyche.
Sticking to the psychology of a failure is not a tricky business. The Polish scientist P. Wenceslas wrote a collection of recipes on how to bring yourself to a deplorable state. His book is called "How to become unhappy without outside help", and the author is convinced that "living in constant conflict with the world and, most importantly, with the people around you is, in general, quite simple business." It is enough to accept the concept of the fatal inevitability of the end of the world, inevitable fate, when you still cannot change anything, because it is too late, because the past was much better than the present, but then, in the past, you made a fatal mistake and now, in the present, are forced to bear your cross paying for old sins.
Indeed, there are people who do not like the smart because he is smart; handsome because he is handsome; successful for being successful, a man for being a man, and a woman for being a woman. They just don't love anyone. These are the "losers" who sometimes exclaim: "Nobody needs me!" or "I am a sick person!" and so on. The psychology of these people is reflected not only in the text of their speeches, but also in the whole way of life.
The loser is the one who remains alone, becomes sick and dissatisfied with everything, or even ends up in a gateway, or even in prison. It is not difficult for the losers to be, because looking for someone to blame is much easier than doing something worthwhile yourself.
FM Dostoevsky, recognized as the greatest of psychologists, wrote: “What can you expect from a person? .. Yes, shower him with all earthly blessings, drown him in happiness completely with your head, so that only bubbles jump up on the surface of happiness, like on water; Give him such economic satisfaction that he has absolutely nothing else to do except sleep, eat gingerbread and bother about the continuation of world history, so he is a man for you here, and here, out of ingratitude, out of only libel, an abomination will do. He will even risk carrots and deliberately wish for the most pernicious nonsense, the most non-economic nonsense, solely in order to ... keep his most vulgar stupidity behind him. "
There are many ways of self-torture, but is it worth becoming like that snake, which, not content with the opportunity to bite its tail, slowly begins to devour itself. Needless to say, the resulting unhappiness simply defies comparison?
What distinguishes the psychology of a loser, the psychology of a loser, from a person who can be called a winner? According to Berne, their differences are in the results. A winner is one who values \u200b\u200bhimself and appreciates others, who knows how to look at life, finding a lot of positive in it. The winner knows how to learn and change, believes in Good and becomes stronger, finding support in the most unexpected situations, he has high self-esteem, but the most important thing is that he is loved and respected by other people. A winner cannot be a lonely person. Usually he has many friends, and the most valuable thing in his life is the time that he needs to spend in a certain way.
Here are the words of Louise Hay, a happy American woman, coming from the depths of my soul: “... I just don't know how to say the word 'no', and therefore I constantly have to teach other people what I can do myself. The essence of my teaching is very simple: love yourself, and you will heal your life. Usually people do not love themselves, because in their hearts they despise themselves or are angry - they cannot forgive themselves for something or consider themselves a victim. The thing is that they accept only one point of view on events that happened to them in the past. And this does not give them the opportunity to live a full life. "
People who don't love themselves belong to the same category. Those who despise themselves - to the other. Those who are angry with themselves - to the third. Those who cannot forgive themselves - to the fourth, and those who consider themselves a victim - to the fifth. All these categories can coexist in the mind of one person, creating obstacles for him on the way to the goal, of course, if he has one.
The starting point for the creation of transactional analysis was for Berne the observation that people can completely change right before our eyes. At the same time, facial expression, speech turns, gestures, posture, the activity of internal organs change (paint appears on the face, heart rate increases, breathing quickens). Such changes happen to everyone, writes a follower of Berne, author of the book "I am good, you are good" T. Harris.
A person with whom such a change occurs remains the same, his state changes. This transition from one state to another involuntarily raises the question: from whom and into whom does a person turn?
Freud showed in his time that the structure of human consciousness consists of the Super-I, I and It. In his work on the psychology of humor, he made an attempt to draw parallels between the structures of consciousness and designated them as "parent", "child" and "adult", while showing the psychological mechanisms of humor.
Berne believed that Parent, Adult and Child are not abstract concepts like Super-I, I and It, but an observable reality. These states are caused by "playing" old recordings in which real people, real time transitions, real places, real assessments of events and real feelings are captured.
Let us consider these three states in more detail in order to be able to determine from the text of the speaker in which of these three states he is.
Parent. This is the richest collection of “life lessons” that everyone goes through in the first years of life. The Parent records all the warnings, rules and laws that the child hears from the parents. These are thousands of different "no" and endless "no". Harris cites sample texts that can be heard from parents: "never tell a lie"; “Never lend”; "Good boys always wash their dishes"; “Don't waste your money”; “Don't trust a man in any way”; “Do not trust a woman in any way”; "Damn you if you do it"; "Do something"; "Do not step on the same rake"; “Treat others the way you want them to treat you,” etc.
Another feature of the Parent is that different entries can contradict each other. Parents say one thing and do another. They say “Don't lie,” but they themselves lie. They say that smoking is harmful, but they themselves smoke. They teach politeness, but they themselves are rude. The rules of everyday behavior recorded in the brain number in the thousands. Many of them are further reinforced with categorical words such as "never" or "always remember that." Parental prescriptions underlie "illogical" behavior, eccentricities and oddities. They become a burden or a blessing, depending on how they fit into today's reality.
The parent is less likely to take the position "I'm bad, you're good" in relation to their children. Not every parent will find the strength, desire and need to apologize, if not right. Perhaps sometimes parents can think and say that "I am bad, you are bad," but the most common parental position is "I am good, you are bad." "Bad" because you don't obey, because you did something wrong, because you are still small and you don't understand anything, etc.
If the parents, who were initially perceived to be prosperous, treat the child rudely and cruelly for a long time, then the children switch to the position “I am good, you are bad”. Harris describes a possible origin of this position, which is associated with cases of child abuse. When the fanatic parents reappear, the child shrinks in horror, anticipating new suffering: “You bring pain! You are bad! I'm good". Many psychopathic criminals who take this position were subjected to brutal physical torture during childhood. “Whatever they do, they are always convinced that they are right. In any situation, others are to blame. A person suffering from such a "moral deformity" does not perceive any external signals that someone other than him can be good. For this reason, he practically does not respond to treatment - the therapist is always "bad" along with everyone else. In its extreme, this position leads to murder. From the killer's point of view, it is done out of necessity - just as in early childhood the position itself was adopted “out of necessity”.
A person who takes the position "I am good, you are bad" suffers greatly from the lack of stroking. Stroking is good only to the extent that stroking is good. But in the whole world there is not a single good person. Therefore, there are no good strokes. A person can surround himself with a whole a retinue of sycophants who praise him and strenuously supply strokes. But he feels that this is all fake - real strokes can only come from himself, as he was convinced of this as a child. The more he hears praise, the more he despises Finally, he gets rid of her altogether and recruits new people to serve him. Well, come here! Now you will get it from me! " - this is what the record is constantly playing in it. This is how his life began. "
Child. Sometimes the attitude "I am bad, you are good" is adopted, which remains with most people for life. For those who are especially unlucky, it transforms into the second or third, that is, "I am good, you are bad" or "I am bad, you are bad."
“I’m bad, you’re good” is a universal position in early childhood. The child is present in each of us. The mere fact of universal involvement in games is already a good reason to conclude that negative self-esteem is universal. Adler parted with Freud on this very issue: it is not sex that drives a person in life, but a total sense of inferiority, Harris believes. Adler argued that a child, because of his small stature and helplessness, must inevitably feel inferior in comparison with the adults around him. Adler had a strong influence on Sullivan, and Sullivan on me ... Sullivan argued that a child's attitude towards himself is completely determined by the assessments of others ")