With the appearance of a child, many women have a question “To whom should she devote more time and attention - a child or her husband?”, Of course, the bulk of women will answer their little angel. And how could it be otherwise, such happiness appeared in the family, which was expected, nurtured and so loved. And many women are perplexed by the attempts of the weak claims of the husband that he is given less time. And many men begin to listen to reproaches in their direction for their callousness, misunderstanding, selfishness. Moreover, she is torn, and so she tries to pay attention to him. And the woman awaits, first of all, the understanding that at the moment the man will understand and take on a secondary role for now, but this can still gradually move into a permanent position. Such emotional isolation of a man can lead to the first quarrels, tension in the family. The patience of men can lead to undercurrent irritability, which many men can discharge on the side or even by leaving the family. Why is this happening? The men did not even imagine that they would have to share such positions. At first, when a man meets, he never thinks about getting married, that is, according to many, it means he is dishonorable, who strikes up a relationship only to get satisfaction of his sexual needs (and like a woman does not get satisfaction either). If they do not dream of a child, then a scoundrel who despicably uses a woman both in everyday life and emotionally. Many men agree to a secondary role after brainwashing and are left completely alone with their problems. But God forbid, a bright, beautiful and intelligent woman will appear on the way of such a man, who will gladly open his eyes to the injustice of the world, then you will instantly forget about the primary importance of the child and will be busy with the problem of preserving the marriage. The main thing is that these are not belated steps.
A wise woman should remember that this was not always the case. The man has always been the main one in the family as a breadwinner, protector and child - this is a gift to a woman. He is the guarantor of security (food, comfort) and the safety of the family (a roof over his head, medical care). And of course, many men do not agree with such a formulation of the question that it is considered only as a source of all benefits, which must still be in line for attention. Therefore, a wise woman understands that her husband should come first and attention should be paid first of all to him, first.

The head of the family is your husband

So lovely women, the ancient sages are right, that a woman is the keeper of the hearth and emotional comfort in the family depends on her wisdom and understanding. You are the same gray eminent who serves the king, the head of the family, the father of your child and beloved husband.

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Not all mothers remember exactly when their baby is born. But surely many remember well when they first thought about the fact that the child began to occupy most of their life. If not filled with itself all my life. And the father of the child at the same time faded into the background.

Marina Mantler

blogger, columnist

At first, the usual circle of friends disappears somewhere, because not everyone can withstand endless conversations about diapers and hype about breastfeeding. The need to communicate with “one's own circle” is compensated by an active search for virtual communities and the emergence of new penpals with online discussions. Meeting grandparents can also come to naught if they love teaching you how to raise and educate your child.

The usual circle of loved ones closes on a small person, who requires undivided attention around the clock, and you are less and less likely to remember your beloved man (husband, partner) - the child's father.

Psychologists and other specialists have written more than one ton of books regarding the upbringing and raising of children, and relations with a beloved man after the birth of a child are discussed very reluctantly, as if they remain unchanged. And if they do change, then for the worse and they like to say that the child is not to blame for this - probably, long-ripening conflicts have exacerbated. It was not possible to find detailed statistics on the number of divorces in the first year after the birth of children, but it will not be a discovery - this period is passed by an asphalt roller in relations between spouses. If the family is young, then the test of strength increases significantly.

The consequences divide families into two camps: the woman realizes that the man was completely unprepared for childbirth and is not going to correct this situation, preferring to earn money, at best remaining in the post of Sunday Pope; or all the difficulties strengthen the relationship between the parents so much that they open up a new level of understanding for them. Obviously, the second option is preferable for all participants to the first. But no courses teach this. The only course is life itself, the willingness of newly-made parents to dialogue and the degree of openness. The first option happened in my life. We are with ex-husband By the time the child was born, they were young parents, and I plunged headlong into the process of raising and caring for a newborn. Conflicts grew, we both got very tired, and questions about the child did not bring us closer in any way. In the end, we divorced, but I did not reconsider my opinion that a child is the most important and important thing in life. Until I met one happy couple who have lived together for more than ten years and have two children. It was from Nastya that I first heard the phrase that a husband can be more important than children: “No matter how much I love my children, my husband is always in the first place for me. Perhaps this is the secret of a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. More trepidation, tenderness and attention to each other, despite the circumstances and difficulties in life. "

Why, even before the birth of children, rare couples (if there are any) discuss their responsibilities towards the child and allocate time, including not forgetting about their own?

Then for the first time I thought that there is a rational grain in such priorities. Later I met quite a few happy couples in whom relationships with each other were paramount, and relationships with children were built on a healthy foundation of parents satisfied with family life. At what point do women generally stop letting anyone other than a child into their mother's world? Why is the maternal instinct so selfish that there is no place in it for someone who was also directly involved in the creation of the child? Why, even before the birth of children, rare couples (if there are any) discuss their responsibilities towards the child and allocate time, including not forgetting about their own?

The stereotype that has developed since the time of our grandmothers that a mother should sacrifice herself, never get tired and love her child more than anyone else in the world must be broken. At least this is the letter that blogger Amber Doty wrote in defense of her priority love for her husband over love for her child. The letter provocatively, but quite consistently explains the importance of building relationships between spouses so that, looking at them, children learn to build their own. Raising in a family where spouses love and value each other is a key developmental moment. By prioritizing your husband, you can reduce the likelihood of divorce and increase the chances of your children growing up in a complete family.

In conclusion, I will give a couple of specific tips.

Firstly, if you are familiar with Julia Gippenreiter's books, you should be aware of the construction of "I-messages" and their advantages over "You-messages". In the case of a loved one, this is perhaps the most effective way to be heard. At that moment, when instead of "You do not help me at all with the child!" you say: “I would like you to take a walk with your child tonight, and I will cook us a delicious dinner / rest / sleep / go about my personal affairs,” you not only relieve your loved one from feelings of guilt, but also get closer to him in joint problem solving. Better if both sides take advantage of this advice.

Secondly, regularly set aside time when you are only alone. Think in advance about the options with whom the children may stay, and get out of the apartment / house. Arrange a date with each other, dinner at your favorite restaurant and overnight in a beautiful hotel. Feel yourself open again to each other and to everything new, experimenters in love in free flight. It is clear that such "freed" parents will be pleased only by the opportunity to sleep properly, while no one interferes, but remember that the main thing is to start. After that, you will definitely be grateful to yourself and your partner for unexpected adventures much more than a day of sleep. And you will definitely have time to sleep when the child grows up. I tell you this from my own experience.

After having a child, most women put him at the top of their list of priorities, relegating her husband to the background. On the one hand, this is logical. On the other hand, it causes a lot of problems.

Edinstvennoy asked to comment on the importance of family priorities psychologist Nadezhda Gordienko.

Why a husband should come first: 3 main reasons

For a family to be happy, there must be harmony in it. To create this harmony, you need to have the right priorities. In a woman's life, she herself should come first, then her man, then children.

When a woman becomes a mother, she has a great risk of moving away from her loved one so far that you can forget about a happy relationship. Remember, both dad and mom should take care of children equally. That is, children should be important to both parents (not only in words, of course).

And this is possible only if the parents do not forget that they are lovers and best friends. If children will always come first in a woman's head, a man will begin to feel unnecessary at this celebration of life, and distance himself. The result can be dire.

For this reason, a man should always feel that he is important to you, and you still love him not just as the father of your children, but as a man. Then he will treat you like a woman and not just a mother. Another plus, in this situation, both parents will think about the children, and not the role of mom will get you, and your man will seek the pleasure of life outside the house.

Most modern women Today, to the question: "Who should pay more attention to - the husband or the child?", without hesitation, they will answer that the child, of course. He is the most important, he is the most beloved, he is the happiness of all life, he is a dear little blood, a poor little wretch, a mother’s malipusichek, dear-pretty, uchi-ways-ways. And this attitude is built on the sincere assumption that the man shares this belief. That he also considers the child to be the most important in the family and is gladly ready to recede into the background.

Moreover, women After all, they do not deny their husband attention at all! No, they agree, as a rule, that a man also needs to devote time and emotions, he just comes second in priority, that's all. Well, the fact that as a rule this leads to complete emotional isolation of a man is simply the result of a lack of time. There is not enough for the baby, and the man will be patient, he is not small.

And then in family quarrels, quarrels begin, and tensions in the relationship between husband and wife begin to grow. This happens because men have never really shared such a position. Today they have been taught to be obedient and agree to a secondary role, but all these attempts to overstep the natural order of things end with what is known.

Men say that they should only dream of getting married, only about. And if a man does not dream of getting married, then he is a scoundrel and uses a woman to satisfy his own lust (after all, a woman does not get pleasure from sex, as everyone knows, and is not at all interested in it). If he doesn't dream of a child, he is also a scoundrel, he cannot give a woman what she needs, and basely uses her for ... well, you get the idea. So, brainwashed men dutifully agree subsequently to their secondary role both in marriage and in a family where there is a child.

But it wasn't like that is always... It would be more correct to say that this has never happened before. The man has always been in charge of the family, whether radical feminists like it or not. A man has always been viewed as a protector, as a breadwinner, and a child is his gift to a woman. He earns a living for his wife and child, he provides them with everything they need - a roof over their heads, clothes, medical care and other important things.

And how is this the man must see a woman who views him exclusively as a silent source of all these benefits, who can quite stand in line for attention after giving all this to his wife. Obviously, in this situation, the priority "first child, then husband" turns out to be highly unfair.

In happy family husband always comes first, and a woman's attention should be given to him in the first place. Of course, this is not about the fact that instead of a feeding procedure, a young mother should rush headlong to the head of the family in order to entertain and please him - no mentally healthy father will demand or ask this. It is important to understand that priority does not mean that a child should not receive the care they need. It's just that some patterns of behavior, alas, so common today, are incompatible with a happy family life.

Let's take the first simple example... Today it is customary to praise a woman in every possible way for the fact that she exchanged her career for a family. As a result, the woman very quickly mutates into a "housewife". She begins to carry her "home captivity", like a cross on Calvary, using it as an excuse for both unkempt appearance and set excess weight, and generally to completely forget the concept of "woman".

Such an approach it is difficult to call anything else but absurd. or family is always a choice. The woman makes this choice herself, and the Russian constitution prohibits forcing her to one of these options. So this is no martyrdom, and a person does not deserve any praise for his selfish (in the good sense of the word) choice. Nobody praises you for preferring pickle instead of borscht? That you are an engineer and not a stylist? That you wear a short hairstyle and not a long one? Also, no one should praise a woman or man for choosing a family or a career.

Also unacceptable use the child as a universal argument for not having sex. This happens gradually, the intervals between regular sex are growing, and as a result, this only leads to a complete cooling of the spouses to each other in sexual terms. The roots of this attitude, again, lie in the soil of the patterns "child in charge" and "I am a martyr, I chose a family."

Of course, everything does not revolve around sex and appearance alone. You also need to be interested in the husband's life outside the walls of the house. His achievements and successes, problems and adversities. A man is also looking for a friend in a woman, someone with whom he can talk. You also need to find time to go out into the city, to the cinema or to the theater, to a restaurant - from time to time. You can always find someone in whose safe hands to float a child for a few hours. Grandmothers and aunts were invented specifically for this.

Nor can you refuse spouse to show emotions in front of a child is another harmful newfangled trend brought by "psychologists" who look more like ordinary hipsters. There is no worse advice than doing all you can to restrain yourself from emotions, boiling with anger at your wife, but not uttering a word, because "with a child, do not dare!" No normal psychologist would recommend this. You just need to be able to channel the conflict, to be able to put up with a child, as well as to quarrel with him. But there should be no prohibitions, "because there is a child here" to quarrel.

And all this is not because men are so nasty power-hungryto whom give the throne and the first places everywhere. It's just that other tactics, as a rule, do not work, and end in discord and family breakdown. So remember, dear ladies, if you want a strong family with a loving and happy father at the head - he should be at the head, not in the backyard.

Psychologists note the strangeness of the question that has arisen recently about who is more important for a woman - a husband or a child. However, considering the situation allows you to understand why this is happening. More and more there is a tendency for both spouses to be unprepared for the appearance of a third helpless man who will be completely dependent on them.

Men take offense at women because they do not pay attention and care to them. At the same time, women say that men do not help them at all in raising children. Both sides are right, since many women begin to deal exclusively with children, and men, due to the lack of initiative to take part in the life of the child, are fenced off from family life.

Who is the main thing in a woman's life - a child or a husband? There is no definite answer, since all ladies are different. There are representatives who completely devote themselves to babies when they are born. There are ladies who continue to live the same life, despite the appearance of a child. They are more concerned with the attitude of men towards them than the development of their children.

The issue in question is very complex and ambiguous, which should be understood on the site.

Who is more important for a woman - a child or a husband?

Why does the question arise, who is more important for a woman - a child or a husband? Because when a baby appears in the family, the mother tries to take care of him. Her tasks include being close to a baby who is either screaming, sometimes naughty, sometimes hungry, etc. Men do not take on the role of full care of newborns, so they cannot understand why their wives change after childbirth.

It should be noted that a man's life practically does not change with the appearance of a baby. He worked and continues to work. His work after 6 pm does not cry, does not want to handle, does not be capricious. For the woman, everything has changed. As much as she wants to be with her husband, she still runs to the child, who cries and remains helpless without her.

Since men are not involved in the process of raising a child (taking a walk with him, feeding him, changing clothes, etc.), a woman has to do everything. And this is tiring, begins to annoy, no matter how much the child is loved and desired. A woman does not even have time to devote to herself, what to say about her husband, who, like a child, is capricious and offended if he does not get his own.

The question of who is more important for a woman - a child or a husband, arises only for those who are not ready for serious family everyday life. When people begin to decide this issue, the problem is not who is more or less important, but why everything has changed for the worse (where the man begins to consider himself the most disadvantaged).

To solve this problem, it is necessary to involve a man in raising a child. Then he will understand how difficult it is to devote time not to yourself, but to another person. A lot of effort is also required on the part of the woman. While her husband is busy with the baby, she has time to please her husband with something.

Only joint work on family relationships will allow partners to avoid such an infantile question as "Who is more important for a woman - a baby or a man?" This reflects the lack of effort that one of the partners makes to build a strong family, now consisting of three or more people. The answer is actually very simple.

Who is more important in a woman's life - a husband or a child?

To the question "Who is more important in a woman's life - a husband or a child?" can be answered unequivocally: both. Few people think about the senselessness of choosing between two family members, where one is an adult who himself must take part in raising a child, and the other remains helpless and completely innocent of how the relationship between parents develops.

For a healthy and adequate woman, there simply cannot be a choice: both the husband and the child are important for her, just each of them has their place in the heart and life of a woman. The husband gives the woman love, help and support. The family cannot exist without it. And the child is a continuation of the love of a husband and wife. How can you choose here when it comes to unequal values? It's like comparing a table and a chair and wondering which one is more important in everyday life.

However, the trend of the modern world is still far from such ideals. Women continue to be torn between children and husbands, and men maintain their position in the opinion that there should be a hierarchy in the family, where only they should be in charge.

Many problems in families arise because men and women have different views on family relationships, as well as on who should be in charge of the family. Women, proceeding from their maternal instinct, allocate a dominant position to the child. The kid cannot manage and dictate his own rules, so here he is not a competitor to his father. The question is, to whom should a woman devote more time, energy, attention and other resources.

Women believe that little creatures like children should be the center of everyone's attention. This is due to the natural manifestation of instinct when a woman agrees to devote her time to the baby.

The man has a slightly different position when he continues to think about being the head of the family. It is he who needs to devote more time and effort. And the rest can be given to the child. This does not take into account the needs of the baby, who cannot take care of himself while the man is busy satisfying his needs.

In the question under consideration, who is more important in a woman's life - a child or a husband, one moment is missed: what does the woman herself want? Trying to please both the baby and her husband, the woman completely forgets about herself. Nobody is interested in what a woman wants. She is a tool - a source of attention, love, care and other benefits for a man and a child. And she, succumbing to the propaganda of society, agrees to play the role of a slave to two members of her family who do not think and do not care about her.

Who is more important in the family of a happy woman - a husband or a child?

Many problems in families arise when adults begin to compete with a child who can never and should not occupy their roles. The child has its own role, and each parent has its own. In the family of a happy woman, the main ones are herself, her husband and child equally.

1. She understands that she must be rested, healthy and cheerful in order to give only the best to her husband and child.
2. She understands that her husband should not be relegated to the background. It is better to involve him in the upbringing of children, so that he helps in fulfilling parenting responsibilities. And after that they will rest together and take time for each other.
3. She understands that the child is not the center of the whole family. This is the same family member as the rest. Over time, he will grow up, which is why he will have to take on some responsibilities. Having matured, he will leave home altogether to start his own family. She, together with her husband, should be engaged in raising children as diligently as in her love relationships for the sake of their preservation and continuation.

Psychologists note various problems that arise in families, where people are trying to clearly place husbands and children in first and second places. What happens if a woman chooses one or another option:

• In a family where the child becomes the main thing, betrayal and even divorce can soon be observed. If a woman does not pay attention to her husband, then they do not have a relationship. The fact that they are officially registered does not change anything. The husband may soon start looking for new hobbies for himself, since his time is free as a woman raising a child. What should he do with himself? Some hobbies, work, even women. And there may arise a desire to part with the one who does not fulfill her role - to be a woman.
• Despotism and even totalitarianism flourish in a family where a man becomes the main thing. Children do not feel loved and protected, because they do not receive all this from their mother. A woman is busy building a relationship with a man who rises so much at her expense that she no longer considers her family members as people. Everyone should worship him and satisfy his whims. Otherwise, such family members must be expelled.

Once again, we recall that in the issue under consideration, everyone forgets what a woman wants. She does not even think about it herself until she brings herself to hysterics, depression, depression, illness. Nobody cares about what a woman needs and how to help her in freeing up time to make herself beautiful, cheerful and strong. After all, being happy, she will be able to give happiness to both her husband and her child.

Common problems in families where the husband and child are placed in a hierarchical position are:

1. Lack of sex between spouses due to the birth of a child.
2. Loss of love feelings that are not supported or reinforced.
3. The loneliness of one or more family members who do not feel needed or significant.
4. Cheating, which is natural if there is no sex.
5. Subordination of family members to the "chief". Even if the child was put in the first place, his mother and father become his slaves. This provokes appropriate behavior from the "main".
6. Loss of correct guidelines in self-determination, their role in the family, marriage as a necessary element, etc. A distorted view of the role of each family member may soon lead to a reluctance to create marital ties anymore.
7. Various mental and physiological disorders in all family members. Even among those who are assigned the leading role.
8. Conflicts and quarrels between family members. The problems of fathers and children arise in such families.

Outcome

You can argue for a long time on the topic of who is more important for a woman - a man or a child, the result will always be deplorable. Whatever a woman chooses, she will always be a loser, because first of all she forgets about herself, and secondly, she is forced to give someone more strength and love than another.

People easily put husbands and children first and second when they don't really love their men much or are not ready for motherhood. If a woman gave birth, but was not ready to give attention to the baby, then she will naturally overshadow him. If it was important for a woman to give birth to a child, and not to build a family with a man, then she will not hesitate to put her son / daughter in the forefront.

In all the options considered, problems will arise that can soon lead to the loneliness of each family member. Ideally, a man and a woman should remain spouses and parents, giving equal attention, love and care to the baby. Over time, the child will grow up and leave the family: he should be helped to grow up and become an independent person. But this does not exclude the possibility that a loving and passionate relationship will continue between the spouses, as it was before the birth of the child.