Summary: I want baby. How do parents respond to a child's wish? Switching attention. Grotesque reasons designed to discourage the baby. Depreciation.

The main difference between a child's psyche and an adult's is not at all that children are dumber. Some children are much smarter than you and me, but one thing is certain: children are inexperienced and at first it is enough to simply deceive them. How often do we face this temptation: to give a child a beautiful untruth, to a question asked by surprise - to answer first what “came to mind”. It is easier than at the cost of your own comfort to indulge in long, complex and not always pleasant explanations! If you don't think the lies you gave life to are still up in the air, then why not lie? But not everything is so simple.

Dishonesty as a way out of conflict.

How hard it is sometimes to withstand confrontation with a crumb! For some reason, it is impossible to give in, but seeing tears and listening to crying is also not the most pleasant pastime.

The most common situation in which parents resort to craftiness is the moment when the child is denied what they want. The "I want" that escaped from the children's lips repeatedly made any mother shudder in the store. Each family has its own philosophy of visiting the toy departments, but the parent always knows: it’s not at all about family budget. It is impossible to buy everything, and the best doll always remains in the window - shining and out of reach. You will easily recognize the most common parental responses in the "want" situation.

Switching attention.

The attention of very young children is very unstable, and desires are changeable, like the northern lights. Even if the baby is already talking a little, you always have the opportunity to distract him in any suitable way. However, your attempts to switch the attention of the "raging" child after a certain age (2-2.5 years) become akin to ignoring and disrespecting his personality. It doesn’t matter if you say: “What a delicious pie we have at home!” or: "Look - there is an uncle who looks like a clown!", you demonstrate the same thing: the child failed to convey to you what he tried so hard to convey to you. He feels like you are brushing him off like a fly.

Some parents have a habit of simultaneously extracting "educational benefits" from the situation. For example, say: “Do you want such a squirrel? And really, what a cutie! It is very similar to the bunny that you threw under the sofa and didn’t get it for six months. ” Such a technique (manipulation of guilt) is certainly dishonest, and, like any forbidden technique, it is fined. V this case- children's trust in you suffers.

Grotesque reasons designed to discourage the baby.

This way of getting along with toddlers is more typical of their grandparents. Who hasn’t heard something like: “If we buy this expensive toy, we will die of hunger” or “Don’t scream, your teeth will run out of your mouth” or “You can’t fight! You’ll break your dad’s head with a shovel” or “There is no more pacifier - the wolves ate it” or “Don’t knock on the wall - it will fall on your nose” or, finally: “If you behave badly, I will give you to the gypsies”?

Up to a certain age, this technique is quite effective. Although he leaves the baby with an elusive feeling of being deceived, he amazes to such an extent that he no longer wants to be naughty in the next 10 minutes. The main disadvantage is that such amazing statements do not at all instill in the child any skills to adapt to the world, they do not teach him to behave a little more consciously, but only serve at a critical moment as something like a verbal gag.

Depreciation.

Many parents react to an unexpected “want” in this way: “Why do you need this worthless thing? She is not beautiful at all, yours are much better. The method is bad because you actually devalue not the toy, but the child's feelings. It seems to him (and not unreasonably) that this thing is beautiful, and you defiantly do not take this into account, confusing the child.

An outright lie.

For example: “The doll lives in the store. You can visit her, but you can’t take her home.” Even bypassing the “ethical moment”, one can say that such a lie, like any other, is bad because of its impracticality. It only works as long as you have the ability to maintain the illusion once created, shielding the child from the truth. At some point, the child will see a doll bought by another baby, or in some other way will penetrate the essence of commodity-money relations. And for the discovery, again, he will pay you with his distrust.

All these situations can be commented on simultaneously. Your child has the right to own choice, even if - made on an emotional basis. If you can’t “get” the treasure you want, honestly explain why by trying to get as emotionally close to the little one as possible. Do not ignore the baby either directly or indirectly, respect his feelings. It is by taking seriously his desires that you teach your child to take seriously your refusal and your explanations, because they are no less weighty. If the child managed to outguess you, you have no choice but to buy him the desired toy!

Are you red or white?

Of course, happy child should grow in an atmosphere of universal love, friendship and mutual understanding. Of course, mom and dad should always be in solidarity in any matter. And there is no doubt that dad loves his mother-in-law, and mom and second grandmother are best friends. And what if this is not entirely true?

Every family goes through relationship crises. And any relationship between loving people is not cloudless. And also - almost every family has its chronically painful points, its secrets, its "skeletons in the closet." It is very important to what extent the child is involved in the dark sides of life at home. It is also important when and how education is provided. Here, as elsewhere, a delicate balance must be maintained.

One extreme: humanely "turn off" the child from all family problems. Another: to "bring down" everything in detail on his head, and even - to wait for conscious participation. In the first case, you deprive the baby of the opportunity to relate to reality in a certain way. He has a distorted reality at his disposal and feels based on it. (In addition, whatever one may say, every day brings him closer to an unpleasant discovery, which he is not ready to accept.) In the second case, you loosen the structure of family roles: by expecting the baby to participate “on an equal footing” in a family problem, you deprive him of the ground under his feet . Small children should not support their parents, protect and comfort them. Everything should be exactly the opposite.

If you, having quarreled with your husband, haven’t talked to him for 3 days, is it reasonable to tell him that you have a headache when asked by a child? The kid decides loving people, referring to a migraine, can easily ignore each other for days on end. If you can’t make contact with your mother-in-law, is it right to assure your child that your grandmother is a sweet person and you are in love with her without memory? In the first case, it’s much better to say: “Yes, we had a fight with dad, and I’m very upset,” and in the second: “Yes, my grandmother and I are too different to understand each other. It will be better for both of us if we see each other as little as possible.” There is no crime in such words. A child more than once in his life will face the fact that his loved ones quarrel, and that some people are generally incompatible with each other. It is much worse if a child grows up in an atmosphere of hypocrisy.

"Main question".

While the baby, sitting on the floor, enthusiastically collects Nikitin's squares, any mother feels like she is keeping up with the times. Of course, - she reflects, - it would never occur to her, answering the question “about this”, to remember a stork, a store or a cabbage! And, of course, she will never react with something like “Small yet” or “Shame on you!” But how will she react?

The question “Where do children come from?”, as a rule, arises a little earlier than the question “How do they get there?”. And despite the fact that quite recently we have entered the even more enlightened twenty-first century from the enlightened twentieth century, for many parents the conversation may still come as a surprise. And if question No. 1 still manages to be answered evasively, then question No. 2 is no longer possible.

There is a category of mothers who, in an attempt to get away from the topic, are ready to go far enough: they agree to offer the child absolutely unnatural “childbearing hypotheses”, if only not to tell the truth. So, a child may hear that children are “bought in a special supermarket” or “born from the navel”. Most recently, I heard with my own ears the dialogue of an infantile mother with an adult daughter beyond her years. A six-year-old girl asked "why women have children", and her mother replied: "After the wedding." Ignoring the obvious illogicality of her mother's reaction, the girl went straight to the heart of the matter. She said, “Mom. But a wedding is a convention!

It is a mistake to think that bees, drones, stamens and pistils will help you in the “decisive battle”. If you are not a biologist, on the contrary, this will only confuse both you and the child more. It is enough that, contrary to the stereotype, the pistil of a flower is a female genital organ, but the stamen is just a male. As for the bees, it is still more difficult with them. If you are expecting a new baby, you have a wonderful opportunity to visually enlighten the child. There is no need to compare yourself with a kangaroo: the child will firmly believe that people are marsupials, and one day he will demand that you put your noisy sister or brother back in your pocket. It will be much better if you just let the firstborn listen to the younger baby pushing and tell something about intrauterine development in an accessible way.

Meanwhile, the very first conversation “about it” does not oblige you to anything. It is unlikely that the topic will be raised before the child is 3-4 years old, and at this age a generalized answer is quite enough, like the classic “From the mother’s stomach”. To prepare for a more detailed lecture, you have every right to take a time out.

The basic principle of conducting such conversations is to respond at a level consonant with the child, giving exactly as much information as he can now learn. You should not tell a two-year-old about either spermatogenesis or ovulation - this is just another option for a clever avoidance of conversation. It’s also rather ridiculous to tell a four-year-old that children are “given by God”: even if you are deeply religious, it is worth considering that the baby had a completely different meaning. It is important every time to leave the little one with the feeling that he understood your explanations.

The second indispensable condition: these explanations must be truthful. Then the new information that the child will ask you later, every time, like a nesting doll, will contain the old, without causing contradictions. If after each “educational conversation” questions disappear for a while, then you are doing a good job. If the kid continues to exaggerate the topic from different angles, it means that you underestimated him: he has already digested the food offered to his mind and is again hungry for knowledge.

If you have never interfered with natural curiosity, and have never undermined children's confidence by deviating from the truth, then the questions will logically follow one from the other. And in about a year and a half, the baby will ask you how the children "get into the mother's stomach." The Children's Sexual Encyclopedia is great to help you discuss the "technical" intricacies of a life-saving procedure. I would just like to note that a five-six-year-old naturalist who asks such a question is already quite ready to hear something not only about the physical closeness of a man and a woman, but also - for the first time to talk with you about what love is.

Where and where.

“Mom, will our violet wither in winter?” “Yes, but a new one will bloom in the spring.” - “And this one, what is the end of?” “All living things come to an end.” "I don't want to be finished." “You will never die, you will live forever.”

Uninformed dialogue.

Psychologists have long been interested in the question: at what age do children begin to be occupied with the problem of life and death. Numerous serious studies have shown that the notorious Freudian question "Whence?" worries the child much less than the question "Where?", and for the first time this happens much earlier than is commonly believed. Three-year-old children already quite seriously ask their relatives: “When do people die?”, “What happens to people after death?”, “And you, mommy, will you die?” or: "And I - too?". It has been observed that parents tend to "not notice" the non-childish problems of their children, even if this requires great effort from them.

Psychoanalyst Irvin Yalom described David, an ordinary boy of one and a half years. David had recently learned to walk and was eager to grab and explore everything he could get his hands on. One day he found a dead bird in the yard. According to the parents, the boy looked stunned and did not try to touch her. Then he gestured for her mother to put her on a tree branch. When the bird flew down from there, not up, David was ready to cry and demanded to return the bird back.

You, for sure, vaccinate your child in a timely manner, and it does not occur to you to wait until he acquires natural immunity after having had tetanus. The way of conducting such conversations should be reminiscent of preventive vaccination: a little bit of the truth, in accordance with age. The task of adults is not to protect the child from the inevitable meeting with the truth, but to give information in a dosed manner and help to process it. Otherwise, the truth will one day “fall on the child’s head” in full, and this will be excessive stress for him. What should and should not be said is a separate issue, but in any case, we must understand why we choose one or another version of education on the topic of death. For whose benefit is this choice made - the child or the parent? Maybe, claiming that you are protecting the baby from premature trauma, in fact, you are just avoiding an unpleasant conversation?

The child is most frightened not by an exhaustive answer to the question, no matter how sad it may sound, but by the unknown and parental confusion. It may seem to parents that, "not noticing" children's worries and cheerfully reacting "off topic", they convey to the baby their faith in the best. In fact, the persistent unwillingness to delve into the proposed topic is felt not as support, but as ignorance and callousness. Each time "falling" into this void, the child begins to guess that here is one of your weaknesses. And instead of bravura confidence in an eternal happy life, the child plunges into a vague inexplicable fear of something so terrible that even all-powerful adults are afraid of.

Keep in mind that not knowing something, children make it up, and their speculation can be even scarier than the truth. Not having received an answer to his question, but assuming that there is an answer, the baby goes to look for him in another place. And there he most likely finds ridiculous or creepy tales of other children about witches, vampires, the dead, forever lying in the cold earth awaiting resurrection, a black hand or a coffin on wheels.

To begin with, separate your own fear of death from the task of answering a child a specific question. And the first answer to it may sound schematic. “Dead means that person is no more and never will be.” Next - you make specifics as necessary and adjusted for age. From an atheistic standpoint, death is like eternal sleep, and this metaphor can be safely resorted to. To all questions like “Does he see us?”, “Does he hear?”, “Will he come again?” - you answer "no", no matter how much it hurts you. And if the baby cries, you console him not with stories about eternal life, but with kisses and hugs. If you wish, add that we need to remember the departed because they live in our thoughts and memories.

If you are religious, the perspective from which you invite your child to look at the real state of affairs will be somewhat different. But regardless of whether you use such concepts as "heaven", "hell" or "reincarnation" to help, you must remember that the child is asking you about this life. And this life after death in any case ends. Of course, our parental feeling rebels against the fact that the child to whom we have given life, directly declare that this life is finite. But if you try to deceive a child with a cheerful look, you are caught. Pretty soon the day will come when you will not only have to tell your little one that there is no eternal life, but you will also have to admit that you lied.

When we talk with our inquisitive child beyond our years, there is a great temptation to be a little cunning, slipping away from a difficult or unpleasant topic. But it is worth remembering that in the end you are only deceiving yourself. Yes, a two-year-old baby is still too small to independently separate the wheat from the chaff. He eats the “dish” served to him without even chewing. A three-year-old is already nervous when she feels a “strange vibration” coming from her mother, and then, if her mother is often insincere, she learns to tune out her conflicting feelings. And thus, it destroys its own spontaneity and insight in the rudiment. At the age of five, such a kid is a virtuoso of self-deception. He knows how to "believe" an obvious lie, and he himself does not always know when he is cunning, and when he is telling the truth. He still does not know that in important matters he almost does not trust either himself or his mother. It turns out that momentary convenience was bought many times on credit, and now everyone is forced to pay with interest.

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"Mom, you're bad" - 5 ways to react Moms, having heard such statements, are most often very scared and begin to swear. Some even punish the child for such words by putting them in a corner or depriving them of sweets and the TV. For mom, this is a disaster. In their opinion, the child has now done almost the worst thing in his life - insulted his own mother!

But such statements from the lips of a teenager and a preschool child are filled with completely different content. And it is unlikely that the baby puts into these words the very meaning that, in the opinion of his mother, is contained in them. But let's leave adolescence to school psychologists, and we ourselves will pay attention to our preschool baby.

In fact, there may be a dozen reasons that prompted the child to say this.

Perhaps now he is trying to tell you something very important, but he does not know or does not know how to do it. The only words, which he found to express his feelings is "Mom, you're bad!". Maybe he is asking for help or he is in pain; he has another stage in his development or a crisis of three, seven or more years; he set out to spend the evening with dad, and then you came home from work earlier; just wondering how you would react to something like that; the child could hear such a statement on the street or in kindergarten or he wanted to do something important, and you interfered?

Remember one thing - such statements do not mean at all that the child does not love you and does not need you anymore. He just said something in the best way he could, or repeated what he had heard somewhere. In the first case, you need to understand his message, and in the second, you need to change yourself or smooth out the street consequences. Therefore, there are only two options for how not to react to such words - do not scold and do not punish.

And here are the ways how to respond correctly there may be several. First, exhale and, if you hear this for the first time, congratulate yourself on the fact that your relationship has a new round of development. If this is not the first time this has happened, then think about why and why the child is saying this.

In both cases, try to act in the following ways:

1. First, you can just say - “okay, clearly, I understand”, “okay, so be it” and keep doing your job. If the child tested you for strength, tried a new word, or expected some kind of violent reaction, he will be disappointed and, most likely, will not want to say that again. In general, calmness is one of the most correct options for responding not only to such, but also to other “unusual” statements.

2. Calmly ask with an interested (!) voice that does not break into hysterics: “Why am I bad?”, “Why do you think so?” It is very likely that the baby will answer your question himself, explaining the reason for his anger - I want candy, I want to play and I don’t want to sleep!

3. Help him understand himself: “Are you offended? Angry? You wanted, and I made you clean up the toys?”, “Did you want to be with dad?” In this case, try to explain to the child why he cannot continue to do what he likes, but be sure to tell him when he can return to it or offer an alternative. For example: “We need to go to the store, otherwise we will all be hungry, let me read to you or will you watch another cartoon in the evening when we return?” “Dad needs to go on business, but when he returns, he will play with you again.” Is it worth adding that one's promise must be kept?

4. Show empathy: "Yes, I know what you mean! I also said that to my mother as a child”, “And I would be upset if they called me home from the street so early”, “I can imagine how angry you are.” It would seem a trifle, but children also need sympathy and understanding.

5. Talk about love. It often helps if you add “I love you anyway” at the end of your statement. Or say it instead of all of the above. Sometimes it works flawlessly.

Olesya Garanina

educational psychologist

The last point, but no less important - think about it. Pay attention to yourself, your speech, the way you talk within the family, communicate with your parents. Try to analyze in what situations the child says this, what he reacts to in a similar way. Perhaps you will understand what's going on.

If such statements are repeated very often, oh, and you excluded Negative influence the streets and in your family don’t talk like that for sure, think about the fact that perhaps the child has something difficult for him that he can’t cope with, and in order to understand what it is, you need to seek help from a specialist.

Don't be intimidated by statements like this. Use them as a signal to think about what's going on. Now, while the child is small, it is much easier to build a trusting relationship with him and fix something than to wait for him to grow up and the scale of the “catastrophe” will grow with him.

It's a tough situation that every parent has to deal with. It turns out that your baby does not go into his pocket for a word and is quite able to reward you with an offensive nickname, or make it clear that what is happening to him is “none of your damn business.” How to react? And anyway, where did he get it from?

Three types of offensive expressions

In fact, there are different words that are offensive, pay attention to which ones your child uses (this is important!). There are three types in total.

Characteristic, when the person himself is negatively described, his existing or invented shortcomings are emphasized.

Delimitation, when a child in a rude way tries to mark the boundaries of personal space.

Expression of feelings is when the child tries to express negative feelings towards the parent.

Name-caller classic

With this, everything is clear: "Mother is fool"! And also "fat", "stupid", "scary", "evil". That is, the child tries to negatively characterize the parent himself. Sometimes the situation encourages this (mom absent-mindedly added salt instead of sugar to tea - “mom is stupid”), sometimes they go against her, for example, in a quarrel, a child calls his mother “fat like a pig”, although she does not have the slightest problem overweight.

First of all, you should find out whether the child understands the meaning of what was said, especially if it vocabulary suddenly expanded. It is possible that the word "idiot" just seemed to him sonorous and beautiful.

” Explain the meaning of the word used, tell me in what situations it can (if at all) be used.

Match the situation with the child's reaction. It is likely that you are really worth a joke! Help your child find the right way to do this. If he laughingly says “fool-mom” to your attempt to salt tea, seize the initiative, say that today you, for example, are “blunder” or “distracted person from Basseinaya Street”, if you have already read Marshak.

” In a word, use the expression that you think fits the situation and is not offensive to the object of the joke.

If a child uses clearly inadequate characteristics, for example, calls "pig", "ugly" or (had to be a witness to such a case) "prostitute", he does not try to characterize his mother, but simply uses rude expressions that he heard in a situation of a real quarrel. And if he uses them without thinking, he has witnessed such scenes more than once! Try to analyze where and when he heard this. Perhaps, sadly, you should no longer leave him in the care of acquaintances or a nanny ... Nevertheless, remain calm. Remember that the child definitely does not mean what these words mean. He just wants to show you how painful a certain situation is for him and tries to hurt you in return.

” Abstract from specific words, focus on the fact that the child wanted to offend you. How, why, did he really want to inflict such severe pain? This should be the subject of an investigation.

Removal from a parent

“Get off, back off, don’t go in, don’t touch, it’s none of your business!” All of this is pretty embarrassing for any parent. But most often this is a consequence of your overprotection. A child, going through another age crisis, is trying to push the boundaries of his personal territory, and if you don’t help him in this, be prepared to catch such “dumps”. How to react?

First, really, back off. Let the child deal with the sleeves of the blouse, with the right and left shoes, with the comb, with the TV remote control, and so on. Offer help in a polite way: "if you're having a hard time, I can help you this time."

Secondly, learn to refuse your help correctly! First of all, eliminate any hints of "fuck off" from your vocabulary. And patiently explain to the child that in response to a delicate offer of help, you need to answer “thank you, no, I myself” and nothing else!

” Think carefully about respecting your child's personal boundaries. Are you sure you are not arrogant and importunate? Maybe you have not noticed how the baby has grown?

Negative feelings towards a parent

See manifestations of hostility of various kinds, from "I do not love you" before "I hate!" hurts every mom and every dad. We agree to be stupid and fat, we are ready to step aside, even when our hands itch to help, but to admit that we are unloved - no, not a single parent is ready to endure this!

Why do kids say that? Calm down, you are both loved and loved! But kids make the same mistake as parents themselves sometimes, they confuse their attitude towards a person and his actions. It is obvious that it was not the mother herself who caused such a violent reaction, but some kind of prohibition, punishment, restriction that she had to impose.

” First of all, try not to allow such a situation to arise. Any prohibitions and restrictions should be clear to the child, their reasonableness and fairness is obvious.

If the situation has arisen, try to help the child sort out his feelings. He himself must come to the conclusion that he hates not you, but punishment. Teach him to distinguish between the attitude towards a person and his actions. Try to calm the child and once again discuss what happened with him.

” Most importantly, do not allow your own negative response! The kid is not yet able to sort out his feelings, but you just have to do it! If you break loose right now, declare the child a "vile, nasty, insensitive pig", whom you also "don't like a bit", create a problem that you will spend a lot of time and effort on!

Children's name-calling is not as terrible as the inadequate reaction of parents. If you do not want to hear insults in your home, they should never be mutual in the first place.

on the forum ("related" topic) Why did they stop using rods? because before, even on Saturdays, DariDara was used for prevention
Yes, we say she’s in denial, her husband says she already has insanity, we need to think about not leaving her at all Yes, we have a situation, she’ll sit with her grandmother, then we get the epithet “bad”, “bad” to everything, mom didn’t let cookies, mom is bad, dad turned off cartoons, dad is bad, brother took away toys, also bad, how to explain to an adult woman that you can’t call children bad, (emoticon banging his head against the wall) A difficult situation that probably every parent faced. It turns out that your baby does not go into his pocket for a word and is quite able to reward you with an offensive nickname, or make it clear that what is happening to him is “none of your damn business.”

How to react? And anyway, where did he get it from?

Nachala speaks to her son during his anger, so that he simply explains in words why he is offended and what he wants to achieve, and that when he calls names, it’s not at all clear to me what he wants. There is a result, for several days there have been no name-calling. I very much agree with N.V. !!
The child in the moment of anger does not think what he is saying. However, like many adults. You just need to help him cope with anger, and not be angry in return. Wash your mouth with soap!
But seriously, children just learn to socialize through trial and error, they violate the framework of social behavior and see how others react to it. You will not react, he will continue in the same spirit with 2nd zeal. So it is necessary to stop, but adequately. Preferably through explanations. You don't need a trained dog... it's difficult, of course, but you have to be firm, persuasive, and patient.

By the way, adults also do this (I'm talking about checking what is permitted in society) just more carefully and imperceptibly))) they never noticed this themselves, for example, on new job? My son even got enough in the yard, and since he calls himself obscene, his ears wither .... but it is clear that he does not understand, he will say it himself and have fun himself. I ask "son, where is this from" .... well, usually the answer is "that one said." It is clear that explained that this is bad. But I’m not sure that this will have any effect, since it has already happened more than once ... It’s also useless to scold ((
I’ll read the advice, maybe I’ll also take something into account)) Mikheyata, and let him cheer. Humor - good remedy to deal with negative emotions. Releasing excess stress, the baby will be easier to explain what caused his indignation. About the fact that he will come up with nicknames on purpose. In moments of rage, he has no time for inventing - he will say the usual, or that he picked up from others. If he is able to invent, then he retains control over himself, is not completely captured by anger, is capable of a normal discussion of his condition. LK1
Thanks! But after all, when he is calm, there seems to be no reason to discuss this issue.

N.V.
And I would not try to portray who he calls. I'm sure it will make him very happy, only then will I come up with nicknames
In fact, these words are addressed to me very rarely, more often to those children with whom he communicates and to his sister.
Since the child is small, he lives according to the "here and now" principle. At leisure, it is possible and necessary to talk, but this will have very little effect on specific behavior. The following will be more efficient. In response to the name-calling, explain to the child that he is currently angry. A child to an adult: “you are a crocodile”, an adult to a child: “But you are angry, you don’t like something. What exactly?” You can try to guess what the child is angry about and tell him this. If the child does not make contact, continues to call names, expresses aggression, then you can play a role, become what they call names. Called a crocodile - get a crocodile, evil and toothy. Called a chair - get a chair, silent and motionless. Did not like? Call it differently. Better yet, tell me what you're mad about, let's try to work it out together. Yes, the story is not unique))).
Try somehow, not at the moment when he calls names, but in a simple calm conversation, give him the opportunity to come to the conclusion that if at the moment of anger you tell a person "I'm angry. I don't like it when you (don't give me a toy ... If you refuse to read to me... you take me home when I still want to go for a walk...)", then the person at least knows what exactly he is angry with. And maybe do something about it.
And when he just says "You are a crocodile", then the person does not even understand what is happening. In addition, a person himself knows for sure that he is not a crocodile, a fool, a freak, and so on. Therefore, such statements generally do not lead to any reasonable result.

There are two messages here. The first is that name-calling does not carry semantic load. The second is that the person called from this does not deteriorate and does not become worse or better. The second message can help the child himself not to bother too much if he was called names or said something unpleasant about him. It seems to me that one can either figure out why re anger is so strong... But in general, it seems to me that this is just a feature of age. It seems to me that we must continue to say that it is not pleasant or even punish somewhere. And everything will be fine ... But I don’t know the literature on this matter ... I also experienced this horror when my son went to the garden. I told him that I was not pleased to hear such things, that it was impossible to speak like that. Then she just stopped focusing, he says that I'm bad, I pretend that I don't hear him. Passed, stopped swearing.

It is almost impossible to avoid the appearance of teasers in the children's team, but it is necessary to fight them.

​​​​​​​Parents and educators should not disregard situations where children call each other names. The task of the teacher is to stop the appearance and use of offensive nicknames in the classroom. You can talk separately with the instigators, you can arrange a class hour on this topic. It is necessary to discuss with the victim why others call names (take offense at him, want to attract his attention?).

It happens that the child does not understand what he is saying, or does not realize that he is uttering very offensive and offensive words. It should be explained to him that in this way he offends all those present and it is indecent to use such words. You can tell teenagers that people use swearing only as a last resort, when out of desperation they no longer have enough strength and words, and help them change their attitude towards difficult situations. For example, one teacher suggested that her fifth graders use the names of dinosaurs or flowers instead of common swear words. You can call a classmate who steps on his foot a diplodocus or a cactus. It will also sound emotional, but much less rude and humorous.

It is useful to play associations with the guys - take turns talking about what objects, animals, seasons, etc. they associate with each other. It is better to start the game in small groups so that everyone can speak out and be in the central role. You can discuss why this or that association has arisen. This game helps to draw the child's attention to which of his qualities are significant to others.

Parents, if a child complains of being teased, should talk to him about how you can and should respond to the call.

Don't react at all(ignore, disregard) This is quite difficult to do, but in some cases it is effective. For example: "Hare, hare!" - calls a classmate. Do not respond until you call by name, pretend that you do not understand who they are addressing. Say: “Actually, my name is Vasya. Did you call me?"

React out of the box. A child who calls names always expects to receive a certain reaction from the victim (resentment, anger, etc.), the unusual behavior of the victim can stop aggression. For example, you can agree with the nickname: “Yes, my mother also thinks that I am somewhat similar to an owl, I see better at night, and I like to sleep in the morning.” Or laugh together: “Yes, we have such a surname, so they teased my great-grandfather.” By the way, parents can talk at home with their child about the fact that often in a team children call names to each other, misrepresenting, distorting surnames, and come up with nicknames. You can remember how they called them names at one time, try to make a new one out of a surname together, determine who will come up with a more original, unusual one, and laugh together. Then it will be easier for the child not to be offended by peers - he will be ready for this.

Explain yourself. You can calmly say to a calling peer: “I am very sorry to hear this”, “Why do you want to offend me?”. One second grader (the largest in the class) was called fat by another boy. To which the object of ridicule said: “You know, something I don’t want to be friends with you at all.” This impressed the aggressor so much that he apologized and stopped calling names.

Do not succumb to provocation. Classmates chased a fifth grade student and called him Masyanya. He got angry and rushed at them with his fists. Everyone ran away with delight, and then started again. The boy was asked to try (as an experiment, such a suggestion is always readily accepted by children) the next time not to rush at the offenders with his fists, but to turn to them and calmly say: “Guys, I'm tired, let me rest.”

Don't let yourself be manipulated. Very often, children seek to force their peers to do something with the help of name-calling. For example, everyone knows the “take on weakly” technique. For all intents and purposes, the child is told that he does not do something because he is a "coward", "scumbag", etc., thus putting him before a choice: either agree to do what is required of him (often break some rules or put himself in danger), or he will remain in the eyes of those around him as a "squishy" and "coward". Probably, of all the situations associated with name-calling, this one is the most difficult. And here it is very difficult to help a child get out of it with dignity, because it is not easy for an adult to resist the opinion of the majority, especially those with whom you will have to communicate in the future.

In this sense, it is very interesting to discuss with the child the story of V.Yu. Dragunsky “Workers crush the stone”, in which Deniska finally decided to jump from the tower, but not because everyone laughed at him, but because he could not respect himself if he had not done so. The child's attention should be drawn to the fact that in each specific situation it is necessary not to rush, to weigh all the pros and cons, to understand what is more important: to prove something to others or to maintain self-respect.

Answer. Sometimes it is useful to respond to the offender in the same way, not to be a passive victim, but to become an equal with the offender.

When another fight happened in the sixth grade and the head teacher asked: “Well, why are you fighting ?!” - one of the fighters replied: “And he teases me. Calls "bald birch"! The boy had the surname Berezin, and his opponent had a hard-to-pronounce Georgian surname, his name was Koba. And the head teacher exclaimed in her hearts: “Well, you tease him, say - “Shaggy Koba”! Why fight something?!”

Maybe teaching this is not pedagogical, but sometimes there is no other way out. True, you can answer not with an insult, but with a special excuse.

Say goodbye. According to the observations of M.V. Osorina, for 5-9-year-old children it is very important to be able to shout out an excuse in response to a name-calling - a kind of defense against a verbal attack. Knowing such excuses helps not to leave an insult unanswered, to stop the conflict, to remain calm (at least outwardly), to surprise and, accordingly, stop the attacker. The last word in this case remains with the victim.

Here are examples of answers:

"Black box office -
I have the key
who calls -
on himself!"

"Chicky-tracks - wall!"

(The child puts a barrier between himself and the name-calling with his hand).

"There was a crocodile,
swallowed your word
but left mine!

"Whoever calls names - he calls himself that!"

"- Fool!
- Nice to meet you, and my name is Petya.

All excuses should be pronounced in a calm, friendly tone, trying to reduce everything to a joke.

Outcast children - the consequences of bullying

​​​​​​​In 1981, American psychologists Achenbach and Edelbrock conducted a study, the results of which showed that “a child’s confidence in his position can contribute to the development of his life skills in a team, and rejection by peers entails the development of isolation, but not leads to a weakening of those traits by which it is caused. Moreover, the difficulty of relationships with peers that appeared in childhood is often a harbinger of emotional distress in the future.

In a number of works by domestic and foreign psychologists, it is noted that unfavorable relationships in the team contribute to the emergence of persistent negative experiences in the child, the disappearance of self-confidence and a decrease in the ability and desire to learn. They are often the cause of early dropout from school. The lack of social recognition and communication is compensated by the search for an out-of-school circle of peers, which is characterized by illegal behavior. Bad Relationships in the Classroom Lead to Others negative consequences. Cm.

The most unpleasant - maybe even scary - words that a child can say are: “Mom, I don’t love you!” or "I hate you!" We can withstand whims, reproaches, tantrums, but we are not ready to hear such words from our own child.

We are afraid of them.

The world immediately collapses, everything seems meaningless - all our attempts to give the child love, gifts, life ... After all, he does not love us! ...

Before panicking, let's see why a child can say such words to his mother? Where might these words appear in his vocabulary? What exactly would the child want to say, what emotions to express by saying these words? Where does everything come from? Let's remember when such phrases "jump out" from the mouth of a child? Is it possible to generalize these situations and assume for sure what was the reason for these cruel - for us, parents - words?

Agree that out of nowhere "I don't love you!" will not appear.

- These can be situations of discontent when the child cannot express his negative emotions in adequate words.

Say, “You and dad didn’t want to buy me a bike. I am not pleased with your behavior and deeply offended!” You would probably be surprised if you heard such words from, say, a 5-6 year old kid. And, nevertheless, we expect that the child will be able to express his dissatisfaction with the words of a common sentence filled with participial and adverbial phrases.

Remember, can you always tell another person - even the closest one - about what worries you? Not just “I’m tired…”, “I can’t do this anymore…”, but “I’m upset by your words. I wanted to buy this, but I didn't have enough money. Now I’m very worried about this, that’s why I’m so emotional and maybe rude to you.” Do you always use such verbal constructions in conversation with your family members?

And with a child? Are you showing him how to express his feelings and what words can be used to do this? Do you always ask questions to your child: “What worries you now?”, “What are you afraid of now?” or use supportive remarks: “I understand what is happening to you now”, “I am ready to listen to what you have to say to me. I'm all - attention! After all, this is how we show our child how to talk about what excites, what “hurts” in the soul.

According to the observations of experts, the words: "I hate you!" most children speak preschool age. Many parents understand that with such words the child expresses his displeasure. But they react in the wrong way. As a rule, like this: "How badly you said that I would not hear such things from you again." It is possible that after a few repetitions, the child will indeed stop talking like that. But negative emotions need an outlet. And the child will find more destructive ways. For example, he will start fighting, biting or acting like a fool, pretending not to hear what his parents are saying to him, or ignoring them in other ways.

By allowing the child to express his emotions, we help him learn to cope with them - these are the laws of acquiring communication skills.

- These can be situations of protest in which the child is not only not satisfied with the current situation, but is also actively against it.

For example, you are not satisfied with the weather outside, or the way your son decided to dress, maybe where he decided to go and with whom. You refuse him his request, the positive decision of which is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT for him! And you get in response: “I don’t love you!” But you asked for it...

Could you, for example, sort out his values? To hear what he wanted to say, and not to refuse just because you were not up to understanding how important it was for him?

- It can be situations of resistance to violence.

Parents have some power over the child. And this power can be used in different ways. Including using violence: forcing, threatening, not to mention physical impact... It is not surprising that the child, resisting, will utter words that he himself will later regret. He loves his parents with unconditional love.

All of these situations include seemingly endless whims. The child wakes up and goes to sleep with a sad expression, often acts up during the day, does not enjoy gifts, or has fleeting joy followed by long periods of "unhappy facial expressions". And the task of parents is to understand where they "go too far" that they require from the child such that he is not able to give either due to age, or due to lack of life experience and the pace of development characteristic of him, or due solely to his own concepts about this world.

- These may be situations in which the child feels guilty.

Probably the most painful little man situations. He knows that his parents are the best in the world. He wants to be loved and to love, but he fails to do what is expected of him. This applies, first of all, to children with increased demands on themselves. They constantly evaluate their actions from the point of view of another person: what will others think, what will they say? Did I do something wrong? What if they don't like it?

From such children, you are unlikely to wait for a cry of dislike or hatred. Rather, they will address these words to themselves, which is no less painful for the child. Because it lowers self-esteem.

- These can be situations in which the parent feels guilty.

Guilt goes hand in hand with doubt. Sometimes it seems that we - parents - are constantly unsure of ourselves. We doubt all the time. Are we doing the right thing with our children? Are we setting too strict boundaries in relationships? Are we too loyal to their demands, whims, endless “I want” and “give”? Such parents just grow out of children with low self-esteem. And as a “punishment” for their doubts about relationships with children, they “attract” harsh verbal constructions: “I don’t love you!” .

A child, like an adult, knows perfectly well when he goes too far, even if his parents turn a blind eye to it. Deep down, he feels guilty. He would like to be stopped. But if it doesn't, things will only get worse. He seems to be asking, "How bad does my behavior have to be to get pulled over?" After all, a child expects from his parents not so much the fulfillment of any desires, but rather confidence, stability, firmness. With their help, he creates a picture of his own world. And what it will be - too soft and insecure, or too hard and ossified, or some kind of average model in which he will feel comfortable - depends on the parents.

Guilt can overwhelm parents for any reason. It may seem to you that because of you the baby does not sleep at night, that he has a fever, that your beloved student grabbed another deuce, that your daughter does not have relationships with her girlfriends, that your son contacted the wrong company that ... thousands of whats. Maybe it is. But if you sink into your guilt, it becomes very difficult - in fact impossible - to find the right solution, to understand the child and help him. Guilt takes away strength, because of it you plunge headlong into everything: into anger, into depression, into regret, into repentance, self-criticism. And you come back completely empty and exhausted.

Are there simple and affordable ways that parents could learn to get rid of this unproductive feeling once they have discovered its presence? According to psychologists, yes. Here are the specific steps to take.

How to get rid of guilt

Step up and apologize if you think you were wrong. If there is no child nearby - call, write a letter. You may not send a letter, but explain to yourself why you did so. And you will understand: at that moment you could not do otherwise - it did not work out. For example, you yelled at a child for no reason at all. Repent for what you are guilty of. You will immediately feel relief. You do not make excuses, but apologize, that is, you admit your mistake and want to correct it.

Decide what you can do right now.

And then analyze the situation. Find your pluses in the minuses. For example, "but when I apologized, my teenager smiled at me for the first time in a month."

Decide how you will deal with similar situations in the future. If, for example, you find it difficult to hold back when negative emotions overwhelm you. Think of ways to get rid of them without offending your loved ones. For example, rush to wash the floor, wash the blanket, you can jump out with the dog for a walk, lift the toilet lid and speak well. Force yourself to follow this rule always! At first, there will be breakdowns, as you need to get rid of an old habit. Hold on for three weeks - this is the minimum time for a habit to develop. During this time, new good habit(which you have replaced the bad one) will begin to take root.

Praise yourself for being consistent, for having the courage to do what you decide to do. It's even better to record your victories. For example, mark them in a calendar-daily with a big exclamation mark. The more there are, the easier it will be for you.

Be loyal to "relapses". You can pick up the old again - it's our nature to master new skills. There is almost always a step back. But don't think that you didn't succeed. Guilt is like a disease: if it is chronic, it takes time to heal. But with each step you will get better and better.

And, of course, forgive yourself. You are human. And people tend to make mistakes.

- These may be situations in which the boundaries of the child's behavior are blurred.

A rude - in our case, offensive, cruel - reaction on the part of the child may be the result of blurred behavioral boundaries. As in the previous case, we are talking about doubting parents, about their insecure behavior. If mom promises, but does not keep promises. If she threatens with punishment, but very soon she cancels it herself. If he says "No!" and then "Yes!". If "no" is adjacent to "can".

With this attitude, the child has a real confusion in the head. The words "I don't love you!" easily fly off his lips, like many others. And he is unlikely to regret them. They begin to punish such a child, each time increasing the measures of influence more and more, but, as they say, “like water off a duck's back”. He no longer fears punishment. Because the worst thing for him is the blurred boundaries in relationships with his parents. Their endless doubts and insecurities.

- These may be situations in which a parent does not know how to say “No” to his child.

The ability to calmly and confidently respond with refusal is worth learning. This skill will definitely come in handy in adulthood. Look at yourself, dear parents, do you know how to say “No!” correctly? If you don't know how, then learn. At least in order to pass on their experience and knowledge to the child.

Why the inability of such a seemingly simple thing can lead to words about hatred and dislike on the part of children? Because the child grows up confident that he cannot be denied anything, that everyone - including all the other people around him - owes him. But it's not true! In addition, the requirements of children to parents who do not know how to refuse are growing. One day, parents will be forced to refuse, but they will no longer be understood by children who are accustomed to other behavioral scenarios. A spoiled child is unhappy even at home. When he finds himself face to face with the outside world - it doesn't matter if it happens at 2, at 4, at 6 - it turns out to be a strong blow for him. It turns out that no one is going to "rush around" with him. Moreover, his egoism repulses everyone. Either he will suffer all his life, or he will make an effort to learn how to be pleasant to others.

Is it possible to insist on one's own without losing friendliness? Can. For example, if a child demands to continue the game, despite your fatigue, do not be afraid to tell him: “That's it, I'm tired. I am reading a book. You can read yours too." This should not sound angry at all, it is enough to say these words firmly, making it clear that objections are not accepted.

Five Rules for Saying No and Not Feeling Guilty

Don't rush to answer. This does not mean that you have to pull or dodge. This means, before you say "yes" or "no", agree or refuse, think, understand the essence of the request or proposal with which the child addresses you.

Listen carefully and get to the heart of the matter. If something is not clear, ask, clarify the details. This will kill two birds with one stone. First, we often say "yes" or "no" automatically, according to the mood. Secondly, the child you listen to carefully will feel that you care about him. You have clarified for yourself the position of the interlocutor.

Show your child that you recognize his right to have his own opinion. (“Yes, you really think we should buy this bike”, “Yes, I understand: the guys will be waiting for you.”) You disagree and do not criticize, you simply state the following fact: from his point of view, this is correct.

Explain briefly and clearly that you cannot (will not) do what you are asked to do. Briefly state (explain) the reason for the refusal. How younger child, the shorter and easier it is to speak.

If the child did not heed your "no" and continues to persuade you, react as an "automatic answer" - repeat the same thing. Namely: to each new argument (lunge, whining) you react as follows: a) agree with the arguments (I understand that you want to have a bicycle; I understand that you have not been in this company for a long time ... etc.), b ) repeat the refusal in the same words (“but this is too expensive a bike”; “without adults on a hike, I can’t let you go”). Nobody can last long. The child's arguments will run out, and your refusal will be accepted as a fact.

- These may be situations in which we - parents - react incorrectly to children's criticism.

Many of us believe that a child has no right to criticize our behavior. Then let's ask ourselves: why did we decide so? Maybe we consider our behavior infallible and absolutely correct? Maybe we are always sure that the truth is exclusively on our side? Those of us who tend to think we are always right will be the exact opposite of a doubting parent. And they will also be far from the truth. Because it is known to be in the middle.

So how should you respond to children's criticism? Can it be allowed in a relationship? How to respond to: "Dad, you're wrong" or "Mom, I don't agree with you"? It can be like this: “Be quiet, it’s still small to teach the elders!”.

How to criticize

First, any criticism should be taken calmly. As one of the greats said: “When I am calm, I am omnipotent!”

Secondly, teach children - by example, of course - constructive criticism. That is, the use of arguments, explanation of reasons and reasons. As well as criticism with subsequent suggestions. Focusing on the principle: "If you criticize - offer!"

Third, teach your child that criticism, despite the fact that it appears on a wave of dissatisfaction with another person, can lead to very positive results. Show the results that appeared as a result of the criticisms expressed. But expressed competently, calmly, with respect for the interlocutor.

For example, the purchase of the same bicycle could indeed take place if the child calmly expressed his dissatisfaction, gave a number of arguments why the parents made the wrong decision, substantiated what he and his parents would get from this acquisition. Tell me what is impossible? Not at all.

Demonstrate by your own example those behaviors that you would like to instill in your child, and he will absorb them like a sponge.

- And, finally, these can be situations in which the child repeats after us - parents - those stupid and cruel words that we allow ourselves ...

It is no secret that many of us, even with a high level of intelligence and education, even in our enlightened time, can afford to blurt out (you can’t say otherwise!) To your child: “If you don’t do it, I won’t love!”, “You you behave ugly - I don’t love you! ”,“ I hate you when you do this! We address these phrases to a child or a husband. It doesn't matter to whom. It is important that the child writes these words into memory automatically. And in moments of discontent, aggression, stubbornness brings them down on us. But it is precisely our inability to follow what we say and draw conclusions from our own actions that leads to these “punishing” words.

Are you still afraid of these words? Do you still think that being a parent is hard? Or are you still able to see the mistakes that each of us is capable of making in a relationship with a child?

Watch what you say. Only then will you have a chance to correct the situation, even if it seemed irreparable to you before.